Sounds like you are doing all the good things for your grief for your sister.
I did not mean to say you were obssessing in a bad way. I thought you actually used the term in the post that I read from June, so was just responding to it. Glad you have the resilience to give a beautiful reply and not get stuck on that.
The 'relationship you had' is valid and fine as the relationship you had. Nobody else's business. Extreme closeness is often touted as meaning very good, but can also be enmeshed and all sorts of issues. I think that happened to us, with both the separations and the enmeshments. I took a very long time (decades of research!) to find words to put to feelings. I am probably a bit aspie as a coping strategy to my childhood.
I also suffered a lot of listening to my siblings complaining about my mother. I honestly tried to carve a fair and balanced path. She did her best, but it was very far from adequate.
Today, I had a quick visit from a friend and quick phone call, which is HUGE for me. I had been seriously socially isolated for a long time. So maybe that is all slowly changing .... not sure.
Got physio today and I have made a physio garden cos they really needed it, and I had the spare plants and time and it has become my way. So water packed up to bring there.
Also an online local environmental meeting.
It has taken me a very long time to feel I deserve a life of my own, and even learn to speak my "I".
Lovely to hear from you.
I do not fully identify with any one diagnosis, as too many were handed out about my family early on, I can even joke "I have a bit of everything", but also be very analytical about issues and problems with mental health terminology and systems ... eg I just posted in other thread ...Generally psychiatrists were carefful about labelling me until last couple years ... I get BiPolar Mixed state or schizoaffective a little ... as a "differential diagnosis" which is fancy speak ... for "not sure" ... but needing to sound medical.
Apple
Hi @Rosemary4
It’s so lovely to hear from you
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s been happening for you in relation to some of your friendships
Friendships can be challenging at the best of times and in my experience, living with a mental health condition introduces another layer of complexity As such, it can be incredibly distressing when our relationships begin to change and we lose some of our friends. So very sadly, this often creates a situation whereby we become further isolated and our social world begins to shrink just that little bit further.
It can be incredibly infuriating and distressing when people pathologize some of our behaviours and / or they attempt to ‘fix us.’ In my experience, these interactions have the potential to communicate that we’re ‘flawed’ and / or ‘not good enough.’ Feeling accepted and valued for who we are is a fundamental need that we all have and I hope that one day, you’ll be surrounded by people with whom you feel a sense of connection and belonging
The more I listened to this part of your story, the more I got the sense that you’re really thinking about the types of friendships that are important to you and I think that it’s great that you’re establishing some boundaries in relation to who you feel comfortable inviting into your life
Wow! Those are wonderful achievements! Unfortunately, I don’t have a brilliant track record when it comes to nurturing plants, but I love the sound of the purple salvia tree - especially as purple is one of my favourite colours 
Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs
Take care of yourself,
ShiningStar
Hi @ShiningStar,, how are you? Nice to see you.. yes, Friendships sure can be challenging at the best of times, and losing them is isolating and sad. But not just friends, family and casuals too.... I'm over it.
Feeling accepted would be nice, but nope, I'm mostly unacceptable it feels. I have withdrawn and at the crossroads. Thank you for the well wishes that I’ll one day be surrounded by people to feel a sense of connection and belonging" I'm thinking maybe in heaven. But for now, those boundaries are a survival thing as my life energy is so low, and it isolates me but better that than bad, or unhealthy company..With the plants, have you tried succulents? Theyre easier... but the salvia is resilient too.
How was your Christmas? I've had to isolate re coVid contact. And think maybe I'm losing my mind lol the walls are closing in 🕸️. Hope you're ok? Thanks for chatting 💐
