Lived Experience Forum

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

It's completely fine that you took your time to get your head around what I had posted. And even more so, because you went through something similar (which you described in your latest post). SImilarly, it also required a lot of effort from me to type or speak about what happened to me, and I don't do it unless I completely trust the other person. It makes me feel vulnerable otherwise, and I really hate that feeling. But if I trust the other person, confessing this makes me feel lighter.

It is really horrific that the person who subjected you to such atricities was your father. Of couirse, no one should do it. But the fact that the person who was supposed to protect and care for you, actually did the opposite and exploited you, it's something too barbaric. I am really sorry about it. And I commend you for being strong and fighting it out. And I know that you are still fighting. You are a source of inspiration for so many of us here!

In my case, this person was some stranger who used to hang around my school. He got friendly with the boys, most of whom were around the same age as me. He lured us to his house, tempting us with access to his video games. In those days, gaming consoles were really expensive in my home country, and only very few, affluent people owned it.

He lived by himself in a really luxurious, high end apartment. No one knows what he did for a living. Initially, it was just about video games. He gradually started showing me gay porn. It eventually reached a stage where he pressured me to part-take in certain 'activities'. Sometimes it would be with him, and at other times, it was with some other kid. He used to threaten me and say that if I revealed it to anyone, he would harm my parents. After he was done with his atrocious act for the day, he would give me a chocolate to supposedly 'make me feel better'.

This went on for nearly a year. He sexually assaulted a lot of prepubescent boys, but he used to say I was his 'favourite'. Eventually, someone tipped the cops off about him, and within a  day, he had fled. They could never find him, but after a couple of years, they found him dead in a different city. He had supposedly committed suicide, and the cops filed a report saying that he was mentally unsound. For some strange reason, I was indifferent to the news about his death. It didn't even matter to me, because the damage was done.

And you are absolutely right about me having contemplated similar concepts. For several years, I was confused about my sexuality. I only realised I was straight, during my first ever relationship with a girl when I was 24. Until then, I had a few failed relationships with guys, and as usual I blamed myself for them not working.

I completely understand you wanting to dedicate more time to your business. And I really appreciate the hope, motivation and strength you have always provided me with your words!

I hope this week is going better for you than the last.

Thanks again for everything. Cheers!

[Hope4me]

Greetings aficionado. I do hope this post finds you well. I’m sure you’ve been busy with study and job hunting; hope all’s fine on those fronts.

The weather here has taken a turn for the worst. The temperature didn’t hit double digits today peaking at 9 which isn’t unusual for these parts unfortunately. We went from 28 a couple of days ago to this. 😳💨

I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to get back to you. There’ve been some ups and downs to confront which have kept me side-tracked.

Your words about my childhood situation were spot on and very comforting. I’m grateful for the way you expressed your views. It helps to know you’re ‘there’. 🕊

I applaud you also for disclosing specifics of your abuse considering how difficult it was writing about it. I'm humbled by your trust and faith in me I must say...many thanks.

Your post wasn't an easy read my friend as one of my deficits is overwhelmingly 'feeling' for children who suffer through abuse. For this reason I’ve struggled writing, deleting and re writing sentences trying to find the right supportive words to respond to your very personal and tragic story. I’ve come to the conclusion there are no words; just empathy. Please know I care and am so very sorry for you…

I truly believe you’ve done a wonderful job of coping and confronting your demons. Those of us who choose to do this are mighty, mighty; it isn’t for the faint hearted that’s for sure. I’m really proud of you for coming so far, so young. I hope you're proud of yourself too.

For me, MH forums saved my soul and sanity. Being able to speak, be heard, acknowledged and validated by people who’ve been there was and still is a Godsend; passing it forward is a natural progression. It’s people like yourself that make it such a rewarding experience; thankyou yet again. 🙌

A better future awaits us my friend. Doing whatever it takes to heal our wounds takes guts, but hey, the payoff can’t be measured.

You take care ok.

Till next time;

Hope xo  👵

[aficionado]

@Hope4me

It is completely fine that you took a bit longer than usual to respond. We all have lives outside of these forums, which can take priority!

My studies are going much better than I imagined, and I am really happy about it. No problems at all. As for my job hunt - the less said about it, the better. I have blown up quite a lot of interviews, mostly because I find employers' expectations way beyond what I am capable of. The the general advice I get is to 'keep trying' until I eventually land a job, but only I realise how far behind I am (in terms of skills and capabilities). It is disappointing because I have become a pale shadow of my former self. I get plenty of interviews because of my resume, which obviously lists my past credentials - the ones I obtained when I was in a much better state. But the moment I step into the interview, I am constantly reminded of the state to which I have now been reduced. And this probably leads the employers to think that I may have lied on my resume.

Anyway, I finally made the hard decision to stop hunting for programming jobs, at least for now. I am done blowing up interviews again and again. I registered with CentreLink last week, and they will be conducting their assessment later this week, and refer me to a Disability Employment Provider. I am not going to take a cent from Centrelink, but I only need their job assistance. I have some savings for now, which will last for a few more months. And I hope to be employed by then.

I am actually loving the current weather! I can bear cold, but Australian summers drive me nuts. Especially those 40 degree days.

As a victim of such abuse, I am glad that I was able to relate to you.

No, I am the one who has to thank you, for your patience with me all along. I am a tough nut to crack, since I have this shell around me as a defence mechanism. And when I do break this shell, it has to be for someone who is really kind, gentle and will not judge me. And you have  that person!

Again, I can completely relate to you about trying to find words to write. And regarding something you mentioned in an earlier post about feeling childlike sometimes, it happens to me as well. I often enjoy jokes that supposedly only kids laugh at. I tend to wear kiddish Disney themed shirts and stuff. I also enjoy watching cartoons. In some cases, I burst into uncontrollable laughter which lasts for minutes, although most people  find these jokes rather silly and kiddish. I also have this youthful energy, and am quite bouncy when i am out. I have often been told, although in jest, that I have Peter Pan syndrome and am a 10 year old trapped in an adult's body. Little do people realise it is actually true.

Again, thanks for your reassuring words! Made me feel so much better, after I blew up another interview earlier today - my 10th interview in just over a month. One of those interviews I landed based on my past laurels, rather than my current capabilities.

And of course, these forums have been really really helpful! I now have a place to vent, and still be told that my failures do not make me worthless!

Wow, the words 'better future' brought a smile to my face! You really do know how to cheer people up, don't you?

Thanks again, and I am sure you will get your business back on track!

[Hope4me]

Oh my dear @aficionado, you certainly know how to make a person smile. 😊 Your youthful Peter Pan heart shines through; there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!

I'm really sorry job hunting is proving to be a trial. Maybe taking a longer rest than you originally thought, might be a better option considering how you feel you're performing during interviews. That pressure of being confronted by 'their' needs instead of what they can offer you can be a bummer when you're not well. The way I see it, you're doing whatever it takes by studying and being determined. That perfect job's still out there. And let's face it; blowing interviews is part and parcel of the journey. Patience my friend...

I'm grateful for your kind words of encouragement toward me and my role in your online world; they're very generous. Back atcha by the way! 😁 I think we've been communicating long enough to know we both care and appreciate each other for our qualities and genuine will to be supportive/supported.

I'm quite tired today A as I didn't sleep very well and my pooch suddenly woke me with howling and crying from the loungeroom. I jumped up thinking he was distressed (he's very old) and indeed was confused by my absence. The jolt from sleep to being wide awake in an instant caused me to burst into tears. (hormones) I went with it allowing myself to cry for as long as it took, but the post effect of exhaustion lingers.

So I might leave things here my friend. Sending warm thoughts your way; 💌 have a cuppa and cake on me! 😊☕🍰

Till next time, take care;

Hope xo  👵

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

Haha, thanks for that! I got try and extract the positives out of my kiddish demeanour, instead of feeling bad about it I suppose. Feel comfortable in my own skin, and embrace my uniqueness. It is still  work in progress, but hopefully I will get there!

I do agree that failing some interviews can't be avoided. But I am more disappointed about the scale of my failures. If I couldn' answer a few questions, and was beaten to the job by someone else, that isn't so disappointing. But sitting there in the interview room with a blank, dumb expression on my face while the interviewers fire away questions, is quite insulting and demotivating. Even more so because if I were to be asked similar questions a few years ago, I would have chewed them up and spat them out.

I still think it would help to take a break from interviewing for these jobs for a few months. I will just take up any job that is facilitated to me by the disability employment provider. It will allow me to relax a bit,  focus on my studies and rethink my job hunting strategy. In any case, once I graduate from university, my intended career would be 70% different from what I have been doing until now, so even if I am unable to secure a job within my area of experience, it shopuldn't matter much in the long term. I just need a job now to help pay my rent and bills. In the future, if I feel like giving another try with programming jobs, I'll do it. If not,m I will just focus on my studies while doing some other job.

You are absolutely right, these forums are such a welcome change from all the judgement, hypocrisy, bigotry and discrimination we face in the real world. If you are able to be this kind and understanding online, I wonder ho lucky the people in your real life are, to have you around!

I can completely understand what you went through, being startled from your sleep. I hope you are feeling better now.

I always look forward to your posts, because even before reading, I know that there will be no judgement, and only kindness. This is such a welcome relief, you know!

[Hope4me]

Hi @aficionado 🖐

I hope this post finds you well. I'm much better than I was yesterday thank goodness; back to myself.

I'd like to focus on something you wrote which to me is really thought provoking. My counseling skills allow me to identify certain phrases that may provide insight into invisible triggers.

You wrote:

"But sitting there in the interview room with a blank, dumb expression on my face while the interviewers fire away questions, is quite insulting and demotivating. Even more so because if I were to be asked similar questions a few years ago, I would have chewed them up and spat them out."

I hope it's ok to put forward my observations; I don't want you to think I'm judgeing you as I'm aware of how sensitive you are re this point.

The term 'dissociation' relates to a survival response which expresses itself as 'freezing' (as opposed to fight or flight) or zoning out which is a better description. Memories of a previous traumatic experience(s) is usually the cause.

When confronted by situations that provoke these memories, it may result in dissociative behaviour such as vague immobilising fear. Some people describe it as being trapped in a bubble. This is a totally normal survival response.

To help you understand;

In cases of childhood abuse, an adult may revert back into childlike behaviour experienced during early trauma. Back then they assumed they were going to die, so their brain triggered a freezing response (zoning out) to save them from experiencing the totallity of their abuse.

Without early intervention they stay trapped in helplessness within that memory and, scary situations that trigger it to surface.

Now obviously your interviews aren't as traumatic as this, but if you ponder the reason you become blank, it makes perfect sense that somewhere in your mind, a threat to survival lurks. That being, risk of being confronted by abusive managers/coworkers etc that will yet again, force you into a helpless position of protecting your income, (staying) while wanting to run away...a state of confusion and immobilisation.

I guess to simplify this, during interviews, fear from previous traumatic experiences at your last job takes over and renders you 'trapped'; "damned if I do, and damned if I don't" I'm not saying this is exactly what's happening, but it makes a lot of sense.

We can discuss coping with dissociation later if you like, but I'd really like to hear your thoughts about my theory first.

Take care till next time my friend;

Hope xo  👵

[aficionado]

@Hope4me 

Thanks a lot for your assessment!

There is certainly an element of truth to this, but I don't know to what extent. I do freeze up at interviews, but I don't think that is due to a fear of experiencing something similar to my previous job. In fact, I don't think this is related to my previous job at all. In my opinion, my profession has progressed really rapidly, and I have just not been able to keep up with all the advancements. And considering my studies and stuff, I am practically not in a position to learn new stuff in addition to my university coursework.

Yes, my previous job did deal a very severe blow to my confidence in my abilities. But I don't think it is affecting my current prospects (or if it is, I fail to realise it yet). It is not that I freeze because I forget things I knew during the interview. i genuinely do not know this stuff, and I have to look them up later on to see what I missed.

Sometimes, I also feel that employers these days have unrealistic requirements. They want a candidate to know everything under the sun. And they'd rather keep the position vacant for months until they find the perfect candidate, than settle for someone who isn't perfect. I see some jobs being posted over and over again on job boards for months, presumably because they are unable to find a 'perfect' fir, and don't want to settle for anyone else.

Anyway, the bottomline is that the profession has become too crowded and cut-throat for me. I am unable to compete anymore. The stress of preparing for these interviews (they require significant preparation) while also balancing my university commitments, is starting to crush my brain from four directions.

Maybe I am better off taking a long hiatus from this, and just try and get SOME job that pays enough to cover my rent and bills. If the dust settled down in the future, and these jobs become more accessible to the common man and not just the geniuses the employers are looking for, I may give it another try. But I am not banking on that happening.

By the way, I bombed another interview this morning. And I decided that was the last straw. If I am not good enough for this profession anymore, I might as well do something else instead of punishing myself with repeated failures, the effect of which is also starting to leak on to my university commitments.

I am sorry about this post being pessimistic and depressing, but I am very likely a spent force. I can no longer compete with my peers for programming jobs. It would be sensible and wise to do something else.

[BryanaCamp]

hi @aficionado just wanted to say I relate to some of your struggles with job interviews. First of all, well done on putting yourself out there so much in the job market, you sound like a very hard working person & a company would be lucky to have you.

I've been unemployed due to my mental health for 7 years. Just at the start of this year I started to try to find work. I can't remember how many applications I've written and I feel sick when I think about the few job interviews I've done recently. I did one yesterday and my brain just stopped, I couldn't answer the questions properly, it was like I'd already given up. Usually I'm extremely nervous before an interview & have loads of sugar & caffeine so when I interview I'm really enthusiastic, energetic and full of answers. But with 2 rejections under my belt & feeling fed up with writing applications, I just didn't perform at all in yesterday's interview. I'm just trying not to think about it. I just want someone to give me a chance.

It's awesome you've got your uni studies & building that for your future. And I hope the people in your course are nice. I know it's hard being shy trying to meet new people.

Anyways, you sound really smart & sensible with your life planning so I'm sure your plan will work out ok soon. I hope it helps a little to know you're not alone in the job searching mission, it is very emotionally draining. Don't let the small setbacks put a dark cloud over you great plans for the future & career change.

have a good weekend 

[aficionado]

@BryanaCamp 

Firstly, thanks a lot for responding in the thread, and describing your own experience which is similar to mine.

I have only been unemployed for a couple of months now, and yet finding a job seems like an insurmountable task. I can only imagine how much harder it must be, when you haven't done this for 7 years. Just the fact that you are even trying, is an achievement in itself!

I have decided to take a hiatus with my job search, at least in my profession. I can't keep putting myself in the line of fire of interviews, knowing very well that I will fail anyway, and it's gonna leave me demoralised and defeated. And I am just not able top handle this job search thing while simultaneously managing my studies. I think I will just take up some job where the hiring bar is really low, just so that it pays my bills and rent. Once I complete my degree, I should (hopefully) be better equipped to look for jobs.

I am really enjoying my second stint as a student, after a gap of nearly a decade! As for the people...there are over a 100, so it is pretty hard to get to know anyone! Haha! I did join some student groups and stuff, but my wretched, useless job search has kept me away from that. Henceforth I will be focusing more on getting the most out of my life as a student.

I hope your words come true at some point. Thank you for the motivation!

Enjoy your weekend as well!

[BryanaCamp]

hi @aficionado that's so awesome you're enjoying study, it's lovely to hear. Sometimes with my moods I worry I have lost the capacity to enjoy anything but then I do something & enjoy myself. It's a significant strength that you have the capacity to enjoy yourself and even better that you've found studies that you enjoy.

It's great that you've joined some student clubs. I can understand how job searching has taken you away from them and hope you can now put some time into them. I know it's not at all easy meeting new people. I put in a solid 2 years of forcing myself to meet new people & establish new friendships as I was totally isolated. It paid off after a lot of hard work & I now have nice friends & feel less anxious about social situations (plus I'm on effective meds).

I think it's a great idea to take a hiatus from job searching. And to look for some less stressful work - I think the people you work with are a huge part of how stressful or easy your job is so I have based my entire career on that at the moment! I am just applying for entry level roles & I am happy to do that kind of work so long as the people are nice. The staff where I volunteer are super nice and are a very positive influence on me, they're so posiitve and energetic & supportive. So I hope to find that in paid work - all the people who interviewed me were really lovely (just didnt offer me a job!) so that's a good sign.

I'm going out to lunch today with a couple of freinds - it is great that all my hard work paid off and I have freinds to spend time with not just going to meetups with strangers.

hope your weekend has been relaxing & study was fun