Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi all

 I'm going to give a little background and then ask a few questions because I'm really struggling right now.

So I had a really rough childhood from physical and sexual abuse to emotionally manipulative parental figures to just plain old neglect.
Because of this I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, panic disorder, complex post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder and for those wondering I have around 25-30 distinct separate identies/alters.

My first question is
My partner knows about my DID but doesn't know that I switch during sex as he hasn't been able to pick up on my switches unless it's a little. For me sex is painful and triggering but I have an adult alter that pretty much only surfaces for sex. I'm wondering if I should tell him or leave it since it hasn't been noticed yet.
And if I do tell him how to go about it.

Second question,
I'm sort of stuck in a rut and really need to get out of it and get my house back in order just wondering if anyone has any tips.

Third question,
Sort of related to previous question, but I've had strong sh urges and while I've been able to resist for now my son is back at school and my partner works which leaves me alone all day is there any tips or suggestions anyone may have to help keep resisting urges of sh

[Doosleberry]

Hi @Former-Member  I am new to this forum but care for several kids with mental health issues. I just wanted to say I am sorry you have had such a difficult childhood which is still impacting you. It is very sad to hear how some parents can be so damaging to their children. Despite all this, you are hanging in there and knowing when to reach out for help which is a good thing. What has helped you keep going in the past? Do you go to counselling or have friends you can talk to? It's hard being home alone during the day. Is there any place you feel comfortable going to like the shops to the park? Going for a walk can be therapeutic, better still going with a trusted friend, or even taking a dog for a walk. It can 'blow the cobwebs' away in our mind, and distract us from negative thoughts hopefully. 

I hear what you say about your relationship with your partner and I guess it would depend on how secure in the relationship you feel, whether to talk to him about your concerns with sex. Sometimes, as you have found here, it can be easier talking to strangers than the people closest to you. It's so caring of you not to want to hurt him, and perhaps speaking to a counsellor might be a better way to deal with this to start with. They can give you some ideas on how to raise the subject with your partner, or perhaps whether it would be helpful not to yet, and perhaps focus on your needs first.

As for being stuck in a rut, especially with housework I am not surprised. It's not the funnest thing to do when you're feeling low! Can you set yourself just one achievable task to do for the day and reward yourself when it's done? I like to plan my breaks and after I have finished one job I have a cuppa and play some online Scrabble. That way I feel replenished and enjoy having achieved something for the day. As you get through the small tasks you might feel inspired to start a bigger one, but make sure you can achieve it in a reasonable time. It can be a bit discouraging having a job half done to wake up to the next day.

One thing I like to do with a pile of mess is to have boxes to sort it into (especially if it belongs to someone else!) or throw it all into one box so that straight away the area looks clear. Then over TV at night, I gradually sort out the box, ensuring I deal with each item as I go or it will end up being a mess again!

Hope that helps. You are one brave person dealing with everything on your plate, and should know how valuable you are especially to your partner and son. 🙂

[greenpea]

@Former-Member  Hi BabyDragon unfortunately my mind is like spaghetti atm. I am of little to no use. Just wanted to welcome you back as it has been awhile. Love peax

[SJT63]

@Former-Member I am completely not qualified to comment on this, but here goes...

I've never known anyone who dissociates. My bloke has a lot of complex mental health issues but that's not one of them. Personally, as a partner, if sex was so traumatic that he had to let go of himself and be someone else to cope I would be horrified... and feel so, so guilty. Personally, I would rather not know.

I also have a really, really messy house. Back when I didn't (for two weeks in 2014 I think it was).. no.. when I still had my kids at home, worked full time and the then boyfriend and I were building a house on the weekends.. I had a spreadsheet.

I wrote down a list of all the jobs that needed to be done in the course of a month... some things were on that list more than once (like wash the towels or empty the cat litter).. some things were only once (clean out the fridge, dust the cabinets).

Then all the jobs got put in a calender so that I could see which 3 small tasks needed to be done each evening to keep the house relatively hygenic month on month. It meant I then didn't have to spend hours cleaning on the weekeneds. This is not the same as tidying. I don't really do that. Laundry baskets are my best friend; not just for laundry but for everything else I find lying around and don't know what to do with (or the cupboard it belongs in is too messy).

I still don't have time for housework because I still work full time in an office, I'm about to become a Civil Celebrant and a lot of my "spare" time spent processing all the goodies that come in from the garden, cooking for MI partner and his 2 sons most weekends (all 3 on the spectrum) and making their clothes. I was only wondering this morning why I'm exhausted!

Even with all that going  on, I have days where I just can't get out of bed. No logical reason, I just can't so I don't.

SH has never been on my radar.. I've never felt the urge so another thing I can't really comment on. Having said that, I still smoke despite being intelligent, knowing the dangers and watching it take my father. I am heavier than I should be for my 4'10" frame, take bp meds and cholesterol meds and still cook with loads of eggs and dairy...  I could have a heartattack any day now. (I'm 58) and have often wondered if my refusal to make any proactive steps to improve my physical health (and maybe not feel so tired) was a kinda slow burn SH. 

Mr S has tried the ultimate, but that was a few years before I met him. He still has thoughts but now he can share them out loud with me and it dilutes them for him.

Like I said.. I dunno.... but feel love and support xoxo

[destructive]

Hi @Former-Member 

I don't know the answer to your question about switching during sex. I wonder if you have a therapist you can talk this through with?

I do experience dissociation and self harm. I'm just new to learning about coping with dissociation. Self harm has been a long battle. I'm not the best at it but I think purposefully making the situation where I can't harm can work sometimes. Just an example like maybe scheduling a beach trip or something that would mean I couldn't hide if I did. Otherwise I try distract, keep busy.