Hi @Sahara
@Former-Member's post was insightful and very appreciated by me. It is that belief of feeling left out, feeling undervalued and alone, the grief triggered by the reminder of our losses and hurts that can be conjured up by this season, as it pertains to joyful happy families getting together without a care and celebrating - which for many just isn't the case. And that feeling of lonliness and disconnection is the pits........
Most families have dysfunction and problems - some worse than others. Some are closer but many do have problems. For me it's making the most of my lot and loving and be with those who love and care about me. Even if it it is only being with one, two or three. I feel blessed to have my husband with me, as like you Sahara I probably would decline into depression through grief without him. He is my rock. So good things do happen to us and I bring back my focus to that and find some cheer. That's how I cope.
Hugs speak a thousand words my friend - sometimes it's not about advice but listening and offering solace with a hug. Heals a thousand wounds. You are blessed there too.
Your dads reaction to his wife's death would be the same if I lost my partner in life. The only one who loved me in such a great way - unconditionally. I would probably be worse. Your Dad would only see the good in your mum now she is gone as his love for her is unconditional. I read what your mum said to you about not wanting to have children - I have no doubt now she regrets that statement. It would of been said in frustration and not meaning to wound, but regardless was insensitive and hurtful. And gives me a greater insight in how this has effected you. Your self esteem all these years taking a blow feeling undervalued. And this belief of perceived worthlessness that has resulted is extending into all your relationships.
It's time now to not allow your mums flaws to define your worth my friend. And the rest of your families flaws as well. It's time to go out and find our place, your place in the world, surrounding ourselves with people who value us and our efforts. Family we choose for ourselves. It's time to find you - we all have a reason to be here and our worth is truly defined as being decent human beings and what we have to offer others that enhances their lives as well. That is in my humble opinion. That is how I get by and I have made friends like family in the process. I have helped peop,e along the way which has helped me. I never looked for them (friends) - they turn up at the right time or when we least expect it when we put ourselves out there. When we step out and take a risk.
I truly believe @Sahara that you will do this more in the New Year and will grow within - your confidence will increase as will your self esteem. This can take time and we can experience many set backs (as you know I have extraordinary obstacles), but it's about not letting our pain, disillusionment and emotions stop us from living our ideals, purpose and interests. That how we leave a legacy and make a life. We don't need approval along the way to do this My friend - but a clear vision of our ideals/purpose with determination. That's what defines us. Not what others think, or those who lack the ability to see our value or worth.
You have much to give, much to live, much to enjoy yet as you are only starting to live. You just need to let the past go and look forward and believe this - believe in you and not let those scars stop you. I think you know what I mean. And you can do this on your own strength, you don't need alcohol, you just need faith in yourself.
Gee I don't know where that came from but I hope it made some sense for you, honestly it just comes to me.
Dont let your family rattle you, if they argue take back the reins and change the subject. Remind them that this is a day of togetherness and cheer (at least to me that's the spirit of it, the true meaning). Be determined to find those peaceful moments and relax in them on Christmas Day, seeing hope for a better tomorrow in them, a new beginning and a new you. And close the door on the hurts of the past. They are gone and dusted - this is now about finding you and liking her, loving her, nurturing her and sharing her. And believe me that's a true gift to anyone who can see.
Am always here for you as I offer true friendship. ❤️Xxx
@Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Former-Member xxx 
