My special place

[Snowie]

Thanks @Eve7 💕💕

@AuntGlow I don't normally explore specific things when I journal. It's just normally whatever is in my head at that moment or things that are annoying me. It's not something I let others read. Occasionally I might show my psych something I've written but that doesn't happen often.

Tele health with pdoc yesterday. Spoke to him about a few things happening.

He gave me another prn to see if that helps. I have to go pick it up from the chemist, hoping tomorrow if I can get myself to leave the house. I know it's only a temporary fix however. Can't just keep adding more meds. Something has to give.

I have psych via tele health Thursday. 

Hate tele health

[AuntGlow]

I love that. Stream of consciousness kind of journaling can be so helpful for processing what is currently happening for us. @Snowie 

And it's okay to hold your most vulnerable words close to your chest.

I hear you... what would you like to see change the most?

I know you don't like telehalth too much... would sitting outside or moving around the house help you to stay in your body a bit more? 

Please let me know how you go. 🫶

[Snowie]

@AuntGlow 

Made it to the chemist. They didn't have script from pdoc so couldn't get new meds.

Now I have to follow it up.

I don't know what needs to change, I think that is part of the problem. 

If I had my way I would just skip the holiday season altogether. 

Will see how appt. goes tomorrow. Hopefully I can stay in the present. 

I normally use icepacks or spiky toys to help stay in the moment. Hopefully that helps tomorrrow.

[Snowie]

Rough night in the sleep department last night. Woke about 4 from a nightmare and just couldn't get back to sleep. Took me awhile to realise where I was but finally managed to.

Had psych via telehealth. Was honest and told her about everything. She is going to contact pdoc again about what I've been doing. Duty of care stuff. Still wants to talk to H. Surprised myself about what I said, especially since it was through a screen. Put a few different things in place that I need to try and do if my SP doesn't help much. 

She spoke about taking leave at Xmas time. I am going to see a different pysch whilst she is away. I did see this psych last time she took leave, so hopefully she remembers me. Only problem is that all the sessions are via tele health.

Came to the realisation that I won't see my psych in person until middle of next Feb. Any psych for that matter. That's a long time. My anxiety and tears have been very much present this afternoon. Everything is shutting down.

Maybe I'm just being selfish. At least I get to 'see' a psych. Be grateful for that.

[AuntGlow]

Hello @Snowie 💛

Waking from a nightmare can be so disconcerting, can't it? Were you able to soothe yourself afterwards? Was H there?

I am really proud of you for sharing what you're going through, especially on a video call. How does it feel to know you have some plans in place?

I hear you. Supports shutting down always feels really overwhelming... I wonder if we can look at what other supports might be available throughout this period? Your tears and feelings are perfectly understandable, lovely. 

We are always here too, remember that. 🫶

[Snowie]

Hi @AuntGlow 

I was able to soothe myself after awhile. Used some smelling oils that I keep close to me, read a few lines I have written down and was able to read some of my book. H was there but didn't want to wake him. He worked all day today.

Having some plans in place does help. Hopefully I can use them when needed. Not sure if they will help, but I guess I won't know until I try.

Xmas is a huge trigger for me, from when I was young. I'm not sure yet if my pdoc is having time off or not. I am assuming so. He normally goes overseas at xmas time.

I am hoping that with this other psych it will make it a little easier. However, even with her, there is still over a month that I have no psych at all. 

Besides those supports, and H, I don't have anyone else I could rely on. 

[Snowie]

Finally some good news today. Lady signed papers to the house so hopefully it all goes through this time and it is sold. They want to be in before Christmas so a quick settlement. Just what we wanted.

[GezzaP]

good news @Snowie  hope it all goes smoothly for you.
I treat Xmas like any old ordinary day. I have nowhere to go. I have no kids. On rare times I get invitef to a friend’s place. I will just garden in the morning and read in the afternoon. Might cook something I like for lunch. Might buy a pudding if I can afford it that fortnight.

[Snowie]

Hey @GezzaP 

I think xmas day comes in all shapes and sizes for people.

I normally do something, for my mother mostly. Growing up she always did a big gathering so I do it for her. I guess for my kids too. I want them to have good memories of the day, not like mine.

I hope things are going ok for you

[GezzaP]

Got two very noisy tradies here this morning @Snowie . Installing roller shutters. Hoping neighbour doesn’t want to get out as their ute is in the way. Will go over a bit later to check.

It’s only 9am here. They came at 8.10. Another guy delivered shutters at 7.30am. I was up.

I’ve been awake since 12.30am. Only slept 3 1/2 hours and only 3 hours the night before. Too overtired to nap. Lots of coffee. Want to watch women’s AFL early afternoon so will have an early lunch. Had breakfast at 5.30. In shower by 6am.

Watered some plants will do rest when tradies leave if enough time. They claim they’ll be about an hour and a half. We’ll see.

Yes you have family to celebrate Xmas with. My only sister won’t talk to me. Both my parents are deceased. No children.

Excuse the rant. This is the 3rd time they said they were going to install shutters in two weeks.

First time guy came on his own couldn’t do because windows are high up. He could have done door I reckon. Pretty unprofessional. 2nd appt they didn’t show up. Third time lucky. I requested a discount for the inconvenience simply not good enough. Doubt I’ll get one, but at least they finally came. Hopefully they clean up after themselves so I don’t have to do it. I’m exhausted. 

Due to not sleeping I’m hypomanic. But just trying to chill. Looking at comments on forum. 

You hang in there Snowie. Good luck with you mum and kids and that very supportive hubby.