I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hi @AuntGlow 

Sorry I didn’t respond last night but I was going through a difficult night. I don’t feel any better this morning either but alas I have work to go to.

Yhe pain isn’t too bad (SANE moderator removed content). It’s been 2 weeks now and that’s a lot. I’m not coping with it. It’s getting me down too. 

The time with my friend was awesome. I did struggle a little with having someone around 24/7 and not getting much of a break. We didn’t do everything that I wanted and I feel like I have let her down. 

I did do that with the dogs. I relished in the moment and it was a good reset. 

I’ve lost my go to keep going though. I’ve crashed pretty badly. I’m hoping that it was the overstimulation of the weekend and I can get it back but I’m guessing the way bipolar works I may not. I just have to be prepared for whatever happens. Maybe work will be a reset or maybe it will bring me fully unstick. I’ve lost my confidence as well. So now I’m scared again but in a different way. 

[Captain24]

I went to bed @Jynx. It was the best option. 

I don’t really feel any better but I’m hoping that by the time I see you next weekend that I have improved. 

Im sorry I was difficult and I am glad I freed you up. You didn’t need to deal with me. Sometimes I think you would be relieved if I just left you alone and you didn’t have to deal with me. 

I hope that you have a good break and can recharge after dealing with me last night. 

[oolive]

Hi @Captain24 , 

Glad to hear you enjoyed your time with your friend, I can understand it would be hard being around someone 24/7.

I just wanted to let you know we will emailed you to check in about your safety due to some of the detail you mentioned. This detail has been edited from the post to ensure the safety and well-being of you and others. 

[oolive]

Hi @Captain24,

You are not difficult to deal with, everyone deserves support. I hope you are feeling a bit better. Please know the community is here for you.

[AuntGlow]

That's okay! I understand, thank you for taking care of yourself and listening to what you needed. @Captain24 

Gosh, I can only imagine... your appointment is this week, right?

I can 100% understand how tough it is to have someone around 24/7, but I am so glad you got to spend quality time with her! What did you do together and what was your highlight? 

I am certain you didn't let her down, but I understand why that is coming up for you. When we resonate with someone, their presence is more than enough, remember that!

I hear you, and we will work through this - you've got all of us here for you. 

How are things feeling at the moment? 🫶

[Captain24]

I had a little more pain today sitting in the truck and it’s like I still have my

period. I talk to him on Wednesday @AuntGlow. Hopefully I don’t have to live like this for a while. It’s just so hard. 

We went to a museum, the little town over and walked through the park that has heaps of sculptures. She loved the museum and the sculptures, she is very arty and interpreted them. I had no idea. I don’t get it. My highlight would have been lunch in the park, we took the dogs and Pix looked at me as if asking if she could walk through the puddle. When I said yes she just ran for it and paddled around in it. So my highlight was seeing Pix enjoy herself. 

I know.. she didn’t need to do everything but I feel like I failed when we didn’t get it all done. Im hating on myself for it. 

Work was ok. I didn’t talk to anyone though, I just couldn’t. I really feel like I’m struggling.  I can’t lift my mood, I’m just really down and down on myself. I feel like a failure and a burden to everyone. It’s really hard to see the good, I just see all the bad in me. 

[AuntGlow]

Gah, that really does sound so hard... @Captain24 😣

Your museum trip sounds like it was so lovely though.

Awww Pix!! That is so sweet. I am sure that made you heart feel really full. 

I know that this part of your brain can be quite loud, so I want to acknowledge that your feelings are more than understandable. 

But I am also going to let you know that you don't have to be the perfect, most open and giving version of yourself every day. @Ru-bee tells me this all the time! hehe

I get that feeling of not having the capacity to connect... what is one kind thing you could do for yourself tonight? 💛 

[Captain24]

Just read a post that resonated so much. It’s actually what I’m feeling myself and the same thoughts. The same wishes. The same desires. Probably not a good post to resonate with though. Showing how deep my thoughts are. 

[Captain24]

I just posted when you did @AuntGlow. But I guess it wasn’t a kind thing. 

Pix’s fave just made my heart melt. The whole couple of hours she enjoyed every minute. Jett had an absolute ball to just didn’t go near the water. 

It’s really loud. I can’t hear anything else. 

Im never perfect but I always try to be and beat myself up because it’s not good enough. I guess that’s what I try but am just unable to do it. I want to be a kind, caring and thoughtful person but I’m just not. 

My capacity is diminishing by the second. 

[AuntGlow]

Thank you for sharing that with me @Captain24 💛

Would you feel okay connecting with that person? I am just curious to know if that could be helpful - for both of you?