I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m glad you weren’t too sore @Ru-bee. Walking Toby counts as exercise! You are moving your body and outside in the fresh air. I don’t actually exercise at all. But I guess I do put my body through a lot doing all this stuff so I think it counts. 😜 

Hahaha the cleaning.. I totally get that. I’m trying to do most of it so on Wednesday all I have to do is prep food and do a basic clean. But knowing me I’ll do a little bit more cleaning than that. 

11 people is a lot!!! I don’t know how you cope. It is really nice to be able to celebrate for people and do it yourself. It feels really good and is quite rewarding. No, the baby doesn’t count so that’s one less to feed. It is hard work though. Making sure everything is the way you want it. I put a lot of pressure on myself but at this stage I think I have it under control. It’s only 3 of us for lunch so that’s easy and 4 or 5 for dinner so that’s easier than I thought. By the time it gets here I will be ready. 

I get the list of the important things. I’ve been doing all the little things. My garden is weeded though, now no snakes can hide in there! It was really out of control, I should have taken before and after pictures to show the amazing difference. Mum was shocked when they called in yesterday. 

Having a buddy really helps. For today I have to mow the lawns and dust and clean the windows at the front and living areas of the house. Mowing is the most important. No one will notice the windows or the dust. The dust is t bad anyway, I did it when my friend come and stayed last weekend. 

Maybe when I have done the lawns I could have a hot bath with salt, that should ease my body a little and I think that counts as a rest and self care. Then after that I could try going into town and getting mum and dad a small present each just so they have something to unwrap. That saves doing it tomorrow. 

Im now thinking if I can push myself through today that maybe tomorrow I might be able to have a rest day. Get up, have my psych appointment and then try and do nothing. Do you think that sounds ok? It’s dumb but it’s like I need permission to stop. 

[Ru-bee]

Yeah you seem to be very active in your day to day @Captain24 whereas I'm very sedentary and spend most of my day sitting so I need to try to get in movement otherwise I get aches and pains, plus I know it's good for my mental health and it's a bonus if it gets me out of the house!

What's on the menu for you on Christmas? I'm planning on roasting my first ever chicken! I cook a lot but I only typically cook for 2 people so never saw the need to roast a whole chook for that. I'm a little nervous so maybe today a task will be to look up recipes and videos about how to do it well! Then maybe doing the dishes and making sure the kitchen is clean so it doesn't turn into a bigger job later in the week... those will be my 2 goals for today and if I get time I'll do a quick vacuum

I feel you with the weeds! Mine exploded a few weeks ago with the wet but warm weather we'd had and suddenly they were up to our knees! I was a little worried about snakes even though I do live in a very densely populated area which is not too snake friendly. It's under control now but I know I should be better about maintaining it before it gets to that point

Ooh a hot bath sounds like a really nice way to let yourself rest and relax. 

If you feel able to get those jobs done today so you can have a rest day tomorrow that sounds like a great idea! You can always count on me to give permission to rest, I preach it to everyone in my life 😂 And maybe in time you can become a bit more confident at giving yourself that permission

[Captain24]

I never use to be active. All I did was sit around or spend the days in bed @Ru-bee. I’m really trying to change that, I think it’s better for my MH to get things done. While I am pushing everything way too far I do feel accomplished most of the time, except for when my massive list isn’t complete. It stops me from sitting around and thinking, it’s a big distraction. I didn’t finish yesterdays list but I did go and mow mum and dads yard so that felt good, doing something nice for someone. 

We are having roast chicken and roast beef with veggies and my favourite , stuffed tomatoes, for lunch and plum pudding. There will be lots of chocolates and lollies on the table too. We go all out. Dinner is just cold meats and salads. I’ll cook a roast beef on Wednesday to ensure we have enough. Plus I have a ham for the cold meats too. 

You will be fine, I always have to google how long it takes to cook the beef! Every time I cook it! I do it several times a year for myself! 

Those sound like good goals. The easier it is later in the week the better. Gives you a chance to not stress too much the day before. 

I haven’t done mine for a really long time! Maybe 2 years.. I really do need to stay on top of it so it doesn’t take me 5 hours next time! I think that’s why my body is so sore. I do need to get some plants though as I dug all the dead ones out so now it’s just empty garden beds. Do you have much garden? I picture you with a pretty garden! 

Im sure I’ll find other things to do but if it’s all pretty much done then maybe I’ll let myself stop. Knowing it’s ok to rest will hopefully help slow everything down. I would tell others to rest and take it easy but im just too hard on myself. It’s something i have to work with my psych about. So far she is acknowledging my need to be outta control busy. But today tells me I just can’t keep doing it. I feel so broken, I feel shattered. 

[Captain24]

I finished the lawns and had my bath @Ru-bee. It was actually nice. I have to set a timer for 15 minutes otherwise I’ll just lay there for a bit and get out. The timer keeps me in there. The timer finished and I just stayed there for another 10 minutes. I had a candle burning and was listening to ‘rain in a tin roof’ from the smiling mind app. It was actually really relaxing. I’m surprised. I think after I do all the shopping tomorrow and put the Christmas tree up I’ll have another one and then just leave to afternoon to just be. Give myself a break. 

I am going to keep going and finish off things. I’m not cleaning the shower screen as no one will see it and I only did it last week. One thing off my list. I’ll finish dusting and cleaning the inside of the windows but if I don’t feel like it I won’t do the outside. No one will notice. I want to clean the front porch but now it’s only if I feel up to it. No one will notice. 

I am really trying to be gentle with myself. I can’t keep this broken and shattered feeling up. I can’t take it anymore.

[Ru-bee]

Good on you for taking that bath and giving yourself the time to relax @Captain24 That sounded lovely with the rain sounds too. What a wonderful way to show yourself some care 💜

I just have a little courtyard in my place that I rent. I have slowly been planting more flowers and the garden is looking quite sweet but it's not really mine so I don't do too much to it. I'm excited at the idea of one day having a garden that I can do what I want with!  

[Captain24]

That is the first time in many weeks that I have given myself some care @Ru-bee

I think I might put up the Christmas tree now. So tomorrow all I have is shopping and my psych. I can’t believe that I’ll have a free day. I don’t allow that. Hopefully I can stick to it and not find other things to be done. 

One day you will get your dream garden. I’m sure it’s a sweet courtyard feeling pretty with nice plants. I’m useless, I actually can’t grow anything. I wanted a pretty front yard but just can’t keep anything alive except for weeds! 😂 

[Ru-bee]

Oh don't worry, I've had my fair share of gardening fails @Captain24  😅 it's a bit of a roll of the dice whether what I plant will survive but about 50% survives and I just replace the ones that don't (or the one the dog digs up

Anyway, I'm off for the day. I hope setting up the tree is fun tonight!

[Captain24]

I have 1, 2, 3 and 5. 4 isn’t far away, I really struggle to get started on anything but I push and push to get through it. 

 

[Captain24]

Tonight I’ve had enough. I’m completely worn out, to the point that I feel physically sick. My head is pounding and I’m just exhausted. I don’t want dinner but I have to to take my meds. I’ve got nothing. I feel like an empty shell. My body hurts even after the bath. 

I don’t want to keep doing this to myself, I physically can’t take it but my mind won’t stop. I need help. Hopefully my psych can help me. There’s a lot to discuss in this appointment. I don’t think we can get through it all. 

[AuntGlow]

Good evening @Captain24!

How are you? 🥰

Wow, this would have felt so incredibly disheartening... I am so glad that you got support from the hospital, that's huge. The fact you can see this as a pivotal part of your journey is wonderful as well. 

I am sorry to hear that Friday night at work was hard. What did you do to care for yourself over the weekend?

Feeling like you have a mum must be really nice. 🥹

Your Christmas spread sounds sooo good. Will you take photos for us? 🤩

We just do a lunch and play some boardgames, maybe watch a Christmas movie - The Grinch is my favourite haha

It sounds like you've done so much today and really need some rest. What might be soothing for your body? I know your mind might want to push back against being gentle with yourself, but this sentence: 'I don’t want to keep doing this to myself, I physically can’t take it but my mind won’t stop', tells me it's really important. I know there's a lot to unpack, but I wonder if you could you focus on this theme with your psychologist in your next appointment? 💛