I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I really hope you’re ok @tyme. You obviously have plans for tomorrow so you don’t have time to be sick. 

Im the same that’s why I need to write lists everyday. Plus the ASD side needs structure and routine which is opposite to adhd. So it takes a lot of self talk to start and then I get distracted between jobs and have to force myself to start again. But I do complete the task or some tasks first. But I have an order I which I do things. I can’t break from that order or the world falls apart. It’s a mental struggle everyday. It always has been but now I understand why there is so much conflict and I think being aware is good but kinda makes it harder, if that makes sense? I don’t think it does. 

Are you the same? 

[tyme]

Yes. I'm really really routine focused because if I'm not, I'm totally 'lost' the whole day. I need to order my day minute by minute or I end up sitting there doing nothing.

I think that's why I'm always on the go. Because if I stop, that's it. Nothing gets done, then I get more upset that nothing is done...

Can you relate to this too @Captain24 ?

I feel like we have a lot of commonalities.

[Captain24]

That’s what I usually did in my days off was just sit and scroll or sleep. @tyme Thats where I think I use to go so wrong. Some days I would do stuff but mostly not. After I did the chair work with my psych and things were really bad I did one thing a day so I could say I had done something and then spent the rest of the day in bed. 

When I first started my holidays my psych said I had to do something other than sit around for 4 weeks. Thats when I started writing proper to do lists. I had stuff I wanted to do around the house that I never had the energy or motivation to do. Once I started having structure in my day I manage to accomplish so much. I needed up getting most things I wanted done and I felt heaps better for it. Some days were a struggle to get started and other days I just couldn’t do anything but on a whole I did really well. But I started to feel better. I had more energy and more focus. I did burn myself out though and had to slow down. Psych orders! 

On these last days off I had a list written for each day. Yes like you if I didn't nothing would get done and I’d feel horrible. That’s also why I made myself go to that group. It was something out of my comfort zone and something different. 

Today I started well and did everything that I could this morning but then I fell in a heap. I’m not sure whether it was because I hadn’t completed the list or whether something else is going on. 

I do think we are very similar. I’m just starting to discover what works best for me. I’m starting to have a few really good days and they are becoming more frequent which is why I feel like I have failed today with my deep dark mood. 

[tyme]

Wow @Captain24 . Your post makes soooo much sense!

I TOTALLY relate to that. 

I was only sharing with someone today that having thos physical notes is therapeutic because it helps me mindfully TICK things off and that gives me a dopamine hit! I said I've tried the digital sticky notes, but they just don't have the same effect.

I totally feel so accomplished when I can tick off sticky notes, then mindfully scrunch them up and toss them out. 

And like you, if I don't accomplish anything, I feel so so rotten.

Maybe it will just take some more time for you to get into the routine and then you will have less down days?

I'm mindful that bipolar is different to BPD, but for me, once I found 'the secret' to what I needed to stay well, I've never gone back.

Have I told you that I've experienced some REALLY stressful times recently, but my mind doesn't even allow me to know they are stressful? That means, I have come to the point that can self-talk so well and train my mind to feel not stressed, that I actually don't feel stressed?

But the downside of that is that my body gets stressed even though my mind isn't and so I end up with health issues? I've been a lot more mindful of this though which means I can take it easy.

I can also see the opposite happening in some people in that their mind is so stressed even if their body isn't, but eventually, it catches up on them...

Out bodies are such strange things.

[Captain24]

My notes have to be written down too. @tyme. I like crossing them off and seeing what I have done. Plus if I don’t get today’s list done I can do it the next day and then cross it off. It was something nice to be able to have absolutely everything crossed off from that last 3 days! 

That whole accomplishment feels so good. I like to have everything done in the morning so that the afternoon is mine to do lego or watch movies or what ever I want. It’s like it’s my self care time. 

It’s a horrible feeling to have not accomplished anything. I totally get it. 

Im hoping I can get less down days. Im really trying. Sometimes it’s hard as I have run out of things to do. I don’t like leaving the house so it has to be stuff around the house. Even walking the dogs is hard as I may see people while I’m out. Plus it’s getting into snake season and there is lots around my place. 

Bipolar is different I think. You need to work hard to get well and stay well but things can just happen. There doesn’t need to be a trigger a low mood can just hit out of nowhere. But I’m hoping that having a structured day may limit the next severe episode. 

No I didn’t know that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. 

That’s so good that you can talk yourself out of it but I do think it’s healthy to acknowledge it. But that’s just my unrecovered thoughts. I do like how you don’t feel the stress though. That would save me crying at work! 

Im glad you are seeing the effects on your body and recognising that you need to take care of both mind and body. 

They are weird things. It’s all connected but shows up differently. 

[tyme]

I think with both Bipolar and BPD (actually, all MH conditions), people need to work so hard at recovery. In other words, recovery is an active process. I think this is where some people are mistaken. They think it's the medical team or the therapists' job to 'fix' them, when a lot of the hard work needs to be done by the person. 

Where BPD and bipolar differs is that BPD is not so much reliant on medication whereas, from the little I know, bipolar/schizophrenia (and other MH conditions) often need some sort of medication. But then again, I'm not a doctor. 

But what you said is so true. By focusing on what you can control in order to stay well, may mean there are less of those down days, but also less intensely down days when you are 'medically' not well.... (sorry, don't even know if I'm making sense). In my head it makes sense, but i don't know how to explain it. 

I remember being on mood stabilisers for this 'phantom' bipolar i supposedly had... it didn't change anything. 

I just know that our brains are so incredibly powerful. It has the power to lift us up and the power to pull us down. 

I really hope your aunty improves. It sounds like such a stressful time @Captain24 

[Captain24]

Yeah. That makes sense. I have to do the work not my team. They are just there to guide me in the right direction. @tyme If I keep working hard it should lessen it. Well I hope so anyway.

Yea I feel that I need to be medicated I do think it is helping. 

She is in the right place. Her partner is going to ask tomorrow if he is allowed to visit as he isn’t feeling welcome. He wants to see her but wants what is best for her. She had a meeting today with 3 pdocs and a nurse and went off about hating asians. The head Pdoc is Asian and so is one of the nurses that have been assigned to her. I think she is psychotic. They have started her in some new meds so I’m hoping as they add to them she will start to get better. Her partner got the impression today that she will be in there for a while. She isn’t even allowed her phone

[Captain24]

I’m home from work and we had a women’s event for a couple of hours but other than that it was a pretty shit day. 

[AuntGlow]

Hey @Captain24, 

I am sorry to hear that today isn't feeling so great... do you want to talk about it at all?

I am curious about your women's event!

Also, regarding your support group - yes! I am so happy to hear that you felt good and that you know how much courage it took to show up. It sounds like there were elements that didn't sit as comfortably as others. It's nice that the girl beside you was so open. Would you talk with her again?

I can definitely hear that the 1-1 calls feel like a lot right now. How would you feel about telling the facilitator you're not ready yet? I get the sense that easing in will be a softer approach for you to land more comfortably. 🥰

[Captain24]

I was just useless @AuntGlow. Couldn’t do anything right. I just stuffed up all day. 

They do it every 3 months and it just for women that work out there. Whether in the pit, the offices, the underground and the wash plant. They have a speaker from the workplace everytime. I spoke once about my mental health journey and was quite open about it. Then they have a guest speaker for 2 hours. It varies every time. It’s all female related and on empowerment and looking out for each other. Today’s was on harassment and what it looks like and what constitutes as harassment plus micro aggression. That was the most interesting part. We said it needs to be do a at a training day as it would be good for everyone to know what it is and what to do and say. They also explained how harassment allegations work and what they do. 

The girl next to me will be there next week. So I will see her. She was nice but I’m not open to anymore than that just yet. 

I might talk to her as I’m just not comfortable with that. I don’t like talking to strangers and don’t know what to say. I’m not ok with opening up yet and I don’t know what is supposed to be shared in the calls.