I feel upset

[The-red-centaur]

Getting better and having hope is great until it all gets ripped out from under you. 

Tw 

Content/trigger warning

I feel so triggered, thoughts of hurting myself are surfacing and it's hard to sit with. I have made a lot of progress in not self harming over the last 6 or so months.

Most of that change began when I changed ndis providers in august after my old provider was forced to shutdown and I was relocated. 

I got news this afternoon that my current provider will no longer be able to provide my Supported Independent Living. I have like a week or so to find a new provider and move (No set deadlines but it's like an asap thing) I really liked it here and i love my support team and the location is perfect for me coz a lot of my social supports are 

In this area. 

I'm blaming myself. I'm feeling like I've lost my safety net and lost control of my life once again. 

What is also hard is my support staff don't know about it. I can't talk to my support worker about how I feel and get support to calm down. I tried to play a board game and distract myself but it just too much and im overstimulated now and everything hurts. 

TW

Content/trigger warning

I'm ashamed I'm getting these urges. It's been a while since I've acted on them. I'd love to just fully disassociate and hurt myself like I used to. I know I shouldn't and there are better ways to cope but the loss of control is triggering parts of myself that haven't appeared in a while.

I'm kinda scared. 

[Jynx]

@The-red-centaur to my mind it makes perfect sense for these urges to resurface hun. You have been hit with several big changes that effectively pull the rug out from any kind of certainty around getting your needs met. 

You say you can't tell your support workers, is this because you no longer feel safe with them, or because they told you that you couldn't? 

Sometimes it can feel safer to blame ourselves because it means we have control, and can learn to do better. But if this is misattributed, like say if it is more the impact of systemic issues and horrible timing, then that self-blame can be nearly impossible to shift - because there is no lesson to learn from it. 

It feels like this is something that happened to you, not because of you, no?

Those parts are potentially resurfacing because maybe you haven't been this scared in a while. They just wanna protect you after all. 

Thanks for letting us know where you're at hun. The community is here for you, just let us know how best we can be here for you 💜🫂

[The-red-centaur]

@Jynx sorry it's taken me a while to reply. I spoke to lifeline and got some prn. I told my support worker I had some shitty news and was upset. We went for a walk around the block after the prn to clear my head while it kicked in. We chatted about random stuff which also helped. 

I'm feeling a little better now. I'm going to try to sleep soon. 

I will try to figure out some options tomorrow and make a plan to navigate through this and find another provider. 

[Jynx]

@The-red-centaur thanks for responding hun, glad the walk n talk helped 😊

I'm off, may we find some nice rest tonight eh? 

Ciao for now 💜

[The-red-centaur]

I've been a bit calmer today. 

I've been trying to research SIL options in my area. I'm so stressed trying to find something suitable. I don't want to move too far but there's nothing around here. And how the hell am I supposed to know what organisations are ok and going to be suitable. Perth is huge. Disability sector is huge. I feel lost and scared. 

I don't know how long i have to find something new either. Grr too many unknown. 

[Jynx]

@The-red-centaur glad to hear you've had a calmer day 😊

Ugh sitting with such a huge unknown would NOT make it easier to do stuff like researching new support services 😵

I usually use a combo of reddit and google reviews to see how people are talking about a particular service. Can be tricky still obvs, when you have specific needs or can't find enough info. I rly hope you are able to figure out a solid option 🤞

[The-red-centaur]

I'm so tired and messed up. 

[rav3n]

hey @The-red-centaur it's nice to see you! sorry to hear how exhausting its been, here for you if you wanna chat 💙

[The-red-centaur]

@rav3n my head feels so chaotic. I'm sick of my life and my body failing at every turn. 

[rav3n]

i'm so sorry to hear, must be frustrating and painful to feel this way @The-red-centaur please know that you matter heaps and deserve support. sending you gentle hugs 💙

is there anyone you feel comfy talking to about this? or is there something that helps you feel grounded?