Hoarders Spouses

[Missy]

Hi @Dax_dog

Nice to hear from you again. I can see that you understand cos your house is like mine! I have a "normal" bathroom and half a bedroom too! Also haven't seen dining table for years and have a goat track from the front door through the living room. I also haven't been downstairs for years. I've just spent today clawing back my kitchen bench from his stuff and the stove is ok. We have 15 ... or is it 16 unregistered, damaged cars in the front of the house.

My hubby hasn't seen more than 5 mins of the hoarders program (I've only seen two episodes) and says "they're crazy - I'm nothing like that. They collect rubbish and I don't".   He has an old friend (who lives in another part of Australia) who tells him bluntly "you're a hoarder!" but he always denies it saying he only buys quality, valuable things and is preserving them from landfill.

Anyway, thanks @CherryBomb - I'll certainly look up the carers' support groups you recommend and I've already looked at the thread about people not wanting to change. Just knowing you guys are listening and care makes all the difference. Thanks,

Missy

[Dax_dog]

Yeh, someone has more cars in the yard than us!!! Bet we beat you on printers in the house though!! Our stove is sitting in the middle of the kitchen at the moment - he starts things then physically can't keep going. Long as I can get at the microwave I'm fine. He'll actually get in first sometimes and say to a person that might come over that "his family says he's a hoarder but he's not really, because it's all for his hobbies". They sound just like the guys (and women) on TV. Good luck with getting to Arafmi. They're great. The interesting thing though is that wherever I go there's always hardly any spouses, mainly parents of adult children with mental health issues. I guess most of them just get up and leave, which is totally understandable. However, it's not always that easy, as I said in my very first post. Feel for you - but have learnt that you can't change other people, just the way you view things. Good luck and keep us posted! (That was NOT meant to be a pun).

[GivingMick]

Problematic conflicts are not easy to deal with if partners do not see/care about how they affect their other half. It can be very frustrating! When you can recognise the dilemma, provide answers, and still no changes occur. If nothing changes, try a new approach. And remember it's how you deal with situations that defines you. Keep calm, and smile! 😀

[Dax_dog]

Totally agree GivingMick. I know some people think I'm nuts to be able to live with it and even joke about it but hey - I've been in worse situations! I teach yoga in my spare time and am into the meditation and mindfulness things (will teach those when I retire). I'm sure these help, but I tend to be pretty laid back anyway, with a theory that goes something like "Do what you can about things then forget about them". I do enjoy the school holidays when I can go to carers meetings and workshops though - they really do act as a booster to me! I really would recommend these to Missy and hope that she does follow them up.

[JT]

I think what they need to realise is that the stories on the hoarder shows are people who have lost their families so whilst there might be some clean areas in the home now it's because there is still someone there to control that portion.  Those shows have people who are left alone in the house because their families have reached their break point and left, or children's services have come in and removed the kids. Can they change?  Honestly I think with the right ongoing support and the desire to do it they can.  I was talking to my dad on the phone while I was watching the hoarder show and he had it on too.  I told him that he ever got that bad I'd hire a bulldozer and clear the lot.  He appreciated the joke because we both know I can't drive a bulldozer but I did point out that it would be me left with the mess when he goes and I have no intention of inheriting a dump shop 😉  

[Missy]

Thanks #Dax_dog, #NikNik, #GivingMick and others

This week I totally lost control of the house. While I'm at work he has been letting animals in the house (including wildlife) and feeding them - it's starting to smell bad and I can't move cubic metres of heavy stereos and boxes of stuff to get in and clean (nowhere to move them to anyway - just goat tracks).

He stopped buying stuff on eBay last October but is now, after shifty evasive behaviour for a few weeks on an unrepentent buying spree - that means carloads of stuff that will be stored anywhere he can cram them. We have increasing debts. He's in court next week for a road rage incident. He has State Debt Recovery chasing him for about 30 unpaid speeding tickets. Every last boundary has been trampled.

I'm trying to rent a flat and get out. I'm so depressed and anxious it's affecting my work, my friends and family are constantly worried about me and his family think I'm a fool. 

So: I'm feeling like I'm abandoning him - he's pretty distressed and talking about suicide (not convincingly) - he's promising the moon again but I know it won't happen. We've been here so many times in the past and every time I've stayed and "worked with him" - his good intentions never lasted long. I feel that by staying and supporting him I'm condoning his hoarding and all his poor decisions / combative relationships.

Feeling disappointed that in spite of me working 60 hour weeks (I'm 55 and he's 75, he's on a regular fat Super cheque) it's me that has to walk away from a million $ house I co-own to live in a bedsit (all I can afford to rent). 

My friends all very supportive but obviously don't really understand cos they haven't seen the house (their choice). 

I'd love him to try the new treatments for BPD that the ABC radio Mind Matters program talked about, NikNik. He did see a psychologist with me last year but spent the entire session justifying his actions and not listening / wanting to face anything. He wouldn't go back or try any other approach.

I think moving out is the only thing I can do. Any suggestions on how to keep supporting him from a safe distance? 

Missy

[NikNik]

Hi @Missy 

I'm sorry to hear you had a tough week. It's very couragous of you to take control of the matter and move out. I think you hit the nail on the head - you can still support him, and maintain your boundaries. Often when we have our own space, we are better placed to support others.

@IreneVelveteen started a discussion about her decision to move out from her father's place. You may find the discussion helpful. There's some great practical tips in there.

You mentioned he has talked about suicide. This can be pretty scary. If you do get to a point where you're concerned for his wellbeing, it's really important to call emergency services (000), who can ensure his safety.

Moving out can also have an impact on you, so please be sure to stay connected with your network of friends and family. It will take adjusting for you too!

We are also here if you want to continue to pop in and stay connected 🙂

[kristin]

@Missy @Dax_dog 

Thanks for raising this topic! I can relate to your struggles. I've had my best friend tell me she thinks I am battling hoarding myself. My place is not like you describe but I do really struggle to sort and get rid of things, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed with my MI (C-PTSD and bipolar).

There are some help services available. You both seem to be in Qld if I understand rightly? My friend found one in Vic which I have contacted because I don't want things to get that bad. I found this page from ARCVic on hoarding. I would say my place has quite a few "clots".

To make it worse my former partner (no longer living with us as of a couple of weeks ago) is also a hoarder, and when I think about it both his parents were hoarders too - although not quite to the same extent as you mention. And when I think some more I know my mum definitely was and my dad tends to be too. So intergenerational problem.

My son is a bit like this - though he can say "get rid of it all, just keep x". My youngest child (6yo) really struggle swith this, and I need to work on it for her sake as well as my own. I recently set a new rule for her with soft toys: for one new one in she needs to get rid of two (to the op shop or bin). Maybe I need to set a similar rule for myself with books as I am a bibliophile and used to say "you can never have too many books". Now I'm sure that's not true!

Wishing you both the best.

Hope for less clutter endures...

Kind regards, 

Kristin

[Dax_dog]

Kristin, there's always heaps of places that take books, and not always where you'd expect. I had a heap of (mine) earmarked for the Endeavour book fest but have actually taken them all to a day care centre that has a bookswap table. They were rapt with the new "wares" but I'm sure Endeavours all over Oz have the festivals (assuming Endeavour IS all over Oz).

Missy, you need to do what's right for you and if you need to leave to stay sane and healthy yourself, then that's the only thing to do. I do sympathise with the "downgrading" though - but is it really downgrading? A small bedsit would be considerably preferable to my house now in many ways!

Good luck both of you.

[Snowdrop]

I thought that I was the only one with this sort of problem. My husbands issue was causing so many arguments that I thought I would end up having to leave him which I didn't want to do but I told him was an option if we couldn't work it out.

So we came to an agreement and measured off an area outside - being the carport and another small area. We then put all his things in there and agreed that if they remained there I would not comment, and if they started to creep out of the assigned area I would just pick them up and put them back somewhere in the pile.

If he starts to bring something in the house I just say - that goes with your things not in our house - and he (reluctantly) puts it with his pile of goods (rubbish).

This helped. It calmed me down, made him happy because he has his pile of junk and our house inside is great.

Maybe worth a try for other people although I suppose it will depend on how far they have gone with their collecting (!)