Lived Experience Forum

[Amy34]

Hi, I wrote here basically to put my racing thoughts out of my head.
I am 34 married, have 2 master's degrees and am PhD candidate. I am in scalorship and my job is granted for me once I back home but I feel this someone else's life . Want to start new life but still afraid to face failure and have many strains and tights to my current life too. having considering  suicidal thoughts for awhile seems only out planned for it in my head what to and when literally sometimes I chose a day and I see what need to be done before. This time I choose to go on December during the school holidays so my kids and husband have sometimes to sort things.
I came for very restricted cuture tried to fit in for years the whole religion idea doesn't make sense to me. I haven't been in love. I haven't chose my husband we are so different. All my life was already planned to me. I have been married for 16 years now and I have 3 daughters.
To cope up with my life I tried to solve things within the limits always have the dream to be out of this life.
Convinced my husband to study abroad to be away. Keep myself busy studying. I aborted myself 5 times at home because it is illegal in my country so I had to insert the bills to myself at home alone and deal with my feelings of guilt and trauma silently. Since I was little I have a whole different imaginary life in my head still the best part of my day.
Sorry for this long background check but I don't know how to put it any shorter.
I don't practice any particular faith and for years wanted to face my husband and family but I am too scared they will torture me and take my daughters.
About me, I love art music dance (which are a big no no to my husband) very analytic person, restless, fuzzy eater, down for dangerous things. Get nervous and anxious in meetings.

Any one gets me say something please.

[Sphinxly]

Hi there @Amy34,

Welcome to the SANE forums. I'm one of the moderators. I'm glad you are here and reaching out for peer support. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can see how unhappy you are right now. I can imagine you would be feeling alone. I'm sure our wonderful forums community will pop by soon to offer you some support.

I would also like to encourage you to contact a helpline for some one-to-one support, in particular to talk more about the suicidal feelings-

Lifeline: 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

See you around,

Sphinxly

[Historylover]

Hello @Amy34   There are many times on this forum when we don't know what to say but just feel the need to say something - anything, to let you know you have our support.

I am so sorry to read of your distress and feelings of such despair.  Many of us here have also had these feelings for different reasons.

Please - put those awful thoughts out of your head.  You are a high achiever and a woman of culture. Keep it up and do it not only for yourself, but also for your 3 lovely, precious daughters who need you there to be their role model, support and guide.  They also need your love.

Religion doesn't make sense to me either.  

I don't know what else to say @Amy34.  You will always find support here from folks who are going through similar experiences.  We are thinking of you and send you our very best wishes.  

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Amy34 ,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story.

For a long time, I felt like I was living but dead. I was miserable. I've always been a high achiever, but that didn't even make sense to me. 

It took a long time to reach self-actualisation. For me to actually know who I was and what I wanted. Before that, I felt like a fraud. That I was living a lie. That I didn't even know who I was. The pain was that I didn't have an identity. My identity changed like the wind. I was on top of the world, a superhero, one moment, and next, I felt like I couldn't get out of the dark hole I was in. 

I ended up with a fantastic treating team who supported me to thick and thin.

I remember being given a set of cards. Each card had a quality. I had to pick 3-4 cards to describe the ideal ME. After picking 3, my psychologist asked me to consider where I was currently, and what I'd need to do to reach the ideal me. 

It's taken many years, but I couldn't be more content and satisfied with myself now. 

I hope you too will find strength to find out who you really are.

HUGs,

BPDSurvivor

ps reach out any time. We're here.

[GoatV2-0]

Hi Amy,

You're not alone and I can imagine there would be many others who come from collectivist cultures that struggle with having their lifes-plan set out for them.

I think it's brave that you are writing these thoughts down and I know what it's like to feel like parts of your life are not changeable.

[Appleblossom]

@Amy34 

Your story about ending preganancy was so sad and tragic, but I can see why life circumstances brought you to that.  

Conflicting loyalties make families difficult.

You also sound like an amazing woman.  Very courageous.  Your post spoke to me a lot.  Altho I have been born here I felt an outsider a lot.  Maybe you can find a way with your creative side to bridge the feelings of dual lives.  Tonight I had a fantastic sing. We did Rachmaninov Vespers.  I began singing in mid 30s and it has been life saving.  Not sure what your path will be, but you are here and obviously have strengths.

I hope you find the forum helpful.

[chibam]

Hi @Amy34 

There's an awful lot of your situation that I can't relate to. But I can certainly relate to your sense of being trapped in your life and contemplating suicide as an escape. I can also relate to your living in a second "imaginary life" which is likewise the only thing resembling goodness in my own life.

Have you thought about talking to a lawyer about applying for political asylum here? I'll admit that I know nothing about international law, but from what you've said, it sounds like you might have a case for being persecuted in your home country on cultural/religious grounds. As I say, a lawyer would be much better placed to advise you on that.

I wish I had some more concrete solutions to offer you.

@GoatV2-0 wrote:

You're not alone and I can imagine there would be many others who come from collectivist cultures that struggle with having their lifes-plan set out for them.

---

IMHO, it's not much better in western culture, where people are left with no place in the world and no relationships, and basically told: "Tough s**t, that's your problem!"

Oppression or abandonment. Either way, you get a life not worth enduring.

Ideally, society would blend the best of both worlds: set us up with spouses, jobs, and homes, but do so based off what we want our own lives to look like, not upon anyone else's desires for the roles they want us to play out.

[MIFANTCARER]

Good morning @Amy34 

I feel your pain.  I was the same as you.  My life was planned and I was told to do it the way culture and religion was based.  When I finished my high school ceritifcate and didnt get the marks I needed to go into the university course I wanted to do and my parents lying to everyone that i did make it, I realised that it wasnt culture or religion that made things shameful it was us trying to keep up with others (The Jones)..  It took me 20 years to break all the rules, 4 unsuccessful business ventures and 6 Diplomas later that I believe I am free from all restrictions.  I learnt that culture and religion is faith and it is a guideline.  As guidelines there are gaps and loop holes that you can take and it is right!

After not being in any relationship, no sex, alcohol or drugs.. I finally met a man fell in love and fell pregnant.  I was so scared because i wasnt married and he left me!  It took me 4 months to tell my parents I was pregnant and now they live with me and helping me with my son.  I am 41 years old and I am not prosecuted for having a child with no husband.

Note: my parent tell everyone in the community my husband is in another state working but its OK.. its what they do with my son and loving my son is what matters.

You need to find yourself and really learn your culture and beliefs..  i was lost just like you and took what others say about my faith and culture was all about.  Once I understood it and studied it myself .. I found peace and acceptance and also my identity because that is what made me..  the journey is long but its for you so its worth it!

Forgiveness of yourself is a must and love yourself.. what ever you have done is done.. close that chapter and embrace the new.  See what you have in a new light!  You never know your husband might be a different person than what you thought..  My father was very strict and controlling.. now that he knows we understand ourselves and our faith he is our friend and mentor..  so maybe if you change your way of thinking about your relationship and understand yourselve and your situation maybe it is different!.. 

From my journey I always try to stop and look from the outside..  Stop saying this is not for me and this is not my life but think why did I choose this and see the advantages of this choice not the disadvantages...  

You have 3 beautiful daughters show them what a happy women is and what they should expect from a happy woman.  Dont let them loose themselves to acceptance of sadness; show them that a strong woman can achieve what you have achieved.. show them that it is okay to live life to the fullest and most of all stop the restrictions and rules set to girls from culture and religion  Make them understand the real faith and real meaning of culture.. make it to your understanding.  I learnt from the past that culture and religion was passed down from mother to child.. therefore the childrens'belief and happiness is taught by the mother..  Be happy and be who you want to be to show your daughters how to live!!  Men cannot teach their daughters what is life they can only teach daughters how they should be taken care off and loved!

Be alive for your daughters and be kind to yourself!! You are perfect the way you are and you are the only one that can show your children what life is!!  

I hope this helps you and any time you need a bright light let me know..  as everyone has written you are not alone!!

be kind to yourself and take care xxx

[Historylover]

So good to see you returned today@Amy34. Stay safe. We are thinking of you and sending our best wishes.

Historylover