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Serenity1
Senior Contributor

Narcissistic abuse surviver

Why do Narcissistic Abuse Survivors continue to come across or attract narcissits every where they go?

I am convinced the Principal of my daughters school is a Narcissit after today's meeting with him where he tried to Guilt & Shame me about keeping my daughter home from school on Doctors Advice until she goes for her mental health assessment- he tried to gas light me in order for me to REACT in anger to what he was saying- I did not- I kept my cool because I was recognising the signs- in order to distract from a LIE he told me that I caught him out on & told him I don't believe him & he tried to patronise me every time I spoke, saying "JO-come on!" As if what I was saying was crazy & so much more that I can't recall right now as I'm exhausted- but he did get angry when I told him he was trying to persuade me that what my daughter is saying-( she is scared of her teachers, doesn't feel safe in class) was NOT HAPPENING- because he is so charming & good looking you kind of just go into a trance when he talks & accepts whatever he says- but today I was seeing through his charm & who he really was & was calling him out on it & he did not like that one bit-

So why do we continue to attract Narcs if we've been seriously abused our whole life by them- ? Is it the energy we give off?-( I heard this)- or are we just more easily able to recognise them & they are everywhere? 😭

My poor daughter I really don't know what to do for her- stay or go?😭🌺👸🏻💖

40 REPLIES 40

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hey @Serenity1.

I'm sorry to hear you had another difficult encounter with the staff at your daughter's school 🙁 Sounds like you did so well to not react to what was being said. I find that's not an easy thing to do at all!

I think it's a really interesting question about whether we attract people who behave in ways like this or whether we are able to recognise it easily. I think people who have been badly hurt by others can have a fine-tuned alert system that quickly picks up on behaviour that isn't OK with us. That's the case with me I think anyway. It makes me feel pretty down sometimes.

You've probably mentioned it before and my apologies if I have forgotten, but is moving your daughter out of the current school an option? It seems it is a really challenging (toxic even) environment for you both.

Thinking of you ❤

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hi @CheerBear thanks for your reply- the main concern I have about moving my daughter is she will loose her close friendships & she is struggling with the fact that she only has me in her life-she literally has no other connection with another person except for myself-my agoraphobia prevents me from taking her to after school activities etc.. Our family is cut of because they are toxic, her dad & gramother are dead, Things like that & I can really see it is a huge problem for her already- for instance she had a play date yesterday & was begging the girl to be her sister-& I know that is something that all little girls do- but i was watching her & noticing it was coming from a very broken place, insecurity & desperation- which is a real concern for me & the only Reason I am keeping her there at this stage- I will speak to the mental health professionals & see what they suggest- but will most likely move her- I am just not strong enough in myself to cope with having to help her to adjust to a new school environment & making new friends- I don't know if she would cope-& then I would be exchanging one set of problems for another. I don't feel strong enough to help my daughter.

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hi there. You seem very together. I'm on Sane to get into some NPD stuff myself. Just a guess but while I believe it's possible to "attract" certain types of folks, I'd prefer to think, with what you've been through, that you're meerly recognising signs in some people which others may not.    I do hope that , as I'm writing now, your road forward has smoothed out. 

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hi @Serenity1 

@CheerBear @Glenn ....

 

I am late to this discussion but now looking around the forums with new insight into what NPD actually is ..... I had thought that the overt form was what it was, but with the help of a counsellor I am recognising that the covert form is probably what was masquerading as all sorts of other things all over my life for a long time.  There is a distinct pattern, and if you have been counselled on what NPD is, you can recognise it so clearly in hindsight - but as they say, it’s not usually until “the discard” is enacted that everything else starts making sense - the mask comes right off.

 

I am still reeling, but also feeling empowered rather than shattered.  It explains why I have felts so confused, disoriented, with what started as stealth-abuse at first ..... it’s engineered that way, and causes empathic people to begin by questioning what they might be doing wrong, or moreso, not doing right .... so you keep trying to fix something that the other party is deliberately, systematically devaluating, and you along with it.  It was never going to be fixed, but they left you believing it could be, because it provides the highest grade of “supply”.

 

I think you’re right on both counts, because NPD symptoms are now standing out to me like beacons, but I am also learning about the empath-narcissist attraction dynamic, and recognising that empathetic people are the greatest targets for supply for NPD people.

 

Interestingly, NPD is also being viewed as belonging within the PTSD spectrum.  This, I could readily believe, as it helps to fit more pieces into our jigsaw puzzle.  

 

It is also very hard to achieve a diagnosis for, because life is “working” for the NPD person - they don’t have any reason to want things to change - while leaving a path of destruction in the lives of everyone around them.  They simply discard those who become too weak as supply, and start “mirroring” someone else, usually with a new mask that is so foreign to the one they were wearing previously, it’s jaw-dropping.  Such is my new situation.  Fits like a glove, and has floored everyone who knows him.  It’s like he’s a completely different person, and so quickly, like overnight.

 

I am wondering how I could ever trust again, but it’s early days yet, and a helluva lot of garbage to get through before I am anywhere near that stage again.

 

I hear you, loud and clear, about exchanging one set of problems for another.  As with @Glenn, I am hoping something has sorted itself for you now @Serenity1 and you are on the healing path.

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hi again  @Serenity1 

 

I just wanted to double back and add a couple of things ....

 

First of all, I felt so much for you in your isolation around the agoraphobia, and seeing your daughter being restricted by it, especially having lost some significant people in your / her life, and having to keep others at bay ..... you are dealing with so much, and doing it well under tough circumstances. I too am so glad that you reached out here.  If leaving the house is really hard, this is a way for support to come to you .... 

 

The second thing I wanted to mention was that learning about the empath - NPD dynamic also helps to enable you place shields and boundaries around yourself to dissuade narcissistic people from being interested in you and applying their ensnarement charms.  That in turn can provide you with a greater confidence that supports the fact that these people are alsonow standing out to you.  From all I am reading, “no contact” or level of “least-possible contact / most-subdued-possible response” is the most common advice.

 

I hope this helps.

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hi @Serenity1 ,

 

It's been quite some time since your initial post here. How have things been going for you and your daughter?

 

Looking forward to hearing from you,

tyme

 

@Faith-and-Hope 

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hi @Serenity1 ,

 

I thought I would search for other posts on narcissism rather than create a new thread. I am realising I have been caught up in narcissistic webs inside my family and community most of my life. I am middle aged and my parents are Baby Boomers, and I can see that a lot of their behaviour comes from a sense of entitlement about their lives. I have posted a lot of content online about dealing with reality and trying to find my place in the world but the narcissist only wants you to be under their spell. The current narcissist controlling my life is so adept at control just a brief conversation is all it takes to ruin my day and turn my world upside down. I can agree that I attract them into my life (as well as the attendant Flying Monkeys). I was so caught up in the trance for so long that I was a narcissist/Flying Monkey myself a lot of the time, but knowing there was something wrong. I am trying to get some distance from the narcissist and gain some control of my life, but I can already tell the next lot of narcissists are lining up to take over from the last one! *Sigh*

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hi @Faith-and-Hope , I agree with your explanation:

 

I am still reeling, but also feeling empowered rather than shattered. It explains why I have felts so confused, disoriented, with what started as stealth-abuse at first ..... it’s engineered that way, and causes empathic people to begin by questioning what they might be doing wrong, or moreso, not doing right .... so you keep trying to fix something that the other party is deliberately, systematically devaluating, and you along with it. It was never going to be fixed, but they left you believing it could be, because it provides the highest grade of “supply”.

 

One of my main 'symptoms' for my initial diagnosis years ago was 'disordered thinking', which my narcissist keeps reminding me over and over again. Only now do I realise this 'disordered thinking' was just a result of very persuasive and persistent narcissistic attacks. It's only been a short time of revelation for me, so I am starting the process of structuring my life to protect me from this person.

 

Re: Narcissistic abuse surviver

Hearing you loud and clear @justanotherguy.  That’s the first step in the recovery process I think, raising your shield, or even realising that you have one.

 

The best protection against allowing other narcissists into your life is learning how they operate and recognising the red flags ahead of committing to any sort of relationship with them.  Take it veeeeerrrrry slowly, which they hate, which is another way of sorting the wolves from the sheep.  Sounds like you are well under way.