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Something’s not right

ClockFace
Senior Contributor

Just one day

So, I did want a day of a bit of me time, just a movie without interuption.
 
It started with my sister wanting me to contact her DBT person and her Psychology firm, so yet again I am reliving the events of Thursday night. Its like being there, its like having the feelings again and it intensifies the flashbacks.
 
I have my GP this afternoon and it is a topic Im going to have to talk about, along with the psychotic features Im having so again I am reliving quite traumatic events and I really dont want to. I know I need help, to see my psychologist and a psychiatrist soon but I am so tempted to cancel my appointment.
 
Mum had 5 falls the day before yesterday, 2 yesterday and has already had one today. I didnt learn about the falls until yesterday and laid down the law that if she has more its either ambulance or ER. So waiting for her to get organised and Dad is going to take her to hospital, reluctantly. It does appear that it is a combination of her medication but she keeps changing when she takes what to stop her from falling but its not working. Either way, she needs to get checked out.
 
Found out they have decided to make my surgery an overnight stay just in case. Im last on the list, I was the time it was cancelled and I was day procedure. It shouldnt bother me but it does today. I will have to pack up my CPAP, get all my meds (they are in a bag) and ofcourse clothes. Im not a huge fan of being in hospital, I doubt anyone is but Im a big guy with back issues, those beds are horrid, plus you have to ask nurses for medications etc. I have a fairly complicated life and it doesnt suit hospital. Added to which there is no change of doing your routines, everything is on their schedual.
 
My sister sent me a bunch of messages while I was dealing with Mum and she didnt get rude messages back but more unfiltered. I filter everything I say be it txt or spoken. Im so careful what I say to everyone. I filter everything through a "nice" filter to make sure I offend as least as possible but I am still called a C. because Im too direct. Sometimes you need to be direct but at the moment with my sister I have been so careful but my responses were pretty direct. Like she wants a pillow case, she has one of those V shaped ones. I dont know where they are, nothings where it should be in this house. So she wanted me to go and buy a new one, that would involve more driving in lots of cars and potentially dealing with lots of people. Im already having to deal with going to the GP etc. So I said that she will have to deal with a scungy pillow case (its clean) there were other msgs and responses were blunted. I kinda feel bad but she isnt getting the 'give me a break' theme Im giving.
 
I really want to spend some time for me, I keep getting told that I need to practice self care. Trying to find time to shower, let alone wanting to or having the energy to, is next to impossible. Id like to shower for the sake of showering, not because I need to because its been a week and Im seeing my sister. I wont labour the point but brushing teeth etc. The closest I get is writing on the forum and calling SANE, though that usually happens when Im driving because its about the only time Im alone and its private, added to which I have time not occupied by other crap.
 
Im sorry Im not doing well today, Im feeling quite depressed (rather than the numb I have been feeling), I have a strong sense of hopelessness, that Im not worth or cant get permission of others to care for myself, Im very tired, I got more hours of sleep last night than I have lately but I am more and more tired. Like no matter how many hours sleep I get at the moment, I am just getting increasingly tired. I said to Dad that if I didnt have a doctors appointment today I would curl up in bed. I am going to speak to my GP about it, a lot of it has to do with the reoccuring vision of the events of Thursday night and the trauma it has inflicted, so while she is typically not keen on prescribing me any more medication (im on 27 types already) I am hoping given its trauma related she will give me a short course of something.
 
I am impressed with one thing, I havent turned to drinking. I really want to but it was so hard to stop. Time in rehab, months in a program and longer to regain the trust of my family. I will say that a big reason is how it would hurt my sister, if she felt she was the one to turn me back to that lifestyle she would be crushed.
2 REPLIES 2

Re: Just one day

Hi @ClockFace 

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling down today. I sent you an email, would you mind replying when you get a chance. It would be much appreciated. 

 

Thinking of you 

Hanami

Re: Just one day

@ClockFace

 

All I can say is take one day at a time. Your life is complicated, you can see it in your posts.  Kudo's for not drinking and Kudo's for being so responsible. It sounds like you have come a long way from the days where you used to be. 

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