Writing As A Form Of Therapy

[BlueBay]

From the time I was about 12 yrs old all I ever wanted to do was to get married and have children.  I so much wanted to be a mum.  Well it wasn't that easy.  It took 5 years of trying to fall pregnant.  Lots of heartache and lots of tears.  Even now while writing this has brought so many memories and tears.

My baby:

A mum is all i wanted to be

for everyone to see

but it wasn't going to be that quick

as I give the pregnancy kit the flick

I tried for 5 whole years

with lots and lots of tears

and all i could see

was no baby for me

All the injections, tests and scans

for there was no reason to ruin my plans

of being a mum

i so wanted one in my tum!!

My sister had two children in that time

And I was jealous I was still in my prime

I loved her kids so much

And now I wanted a child in a rush

I remember sitting down one day

and crying so much I started to pray

I asked God if He would give me

a child and that would please me

After one year of seeing a naturopath

and taking her meds and herbs

I thoughts if this doesn't work

then that's it for me

I remember this day so clearly

I raced to the doctor freely

and asked for the test to be done

i didn't know if this was going to be fun

But when i saw the + sign

I knew it was my time

to be a mum

I'm going have a baby in my tum

The precious night came

of when I knew it would be insane

The rush, the pain, the excitement

of me being a mum

And then they held you on me

I could see you weren't that free

They put you in a crib

and from there you grew

I couldn't believe my eyes

when i saw you and knew you were mine

how i still remember that night

of when i gave birth to this little girl

So this is for you

my beautiful baby 

you are now 24 yrs old

and a beautiful young lady

xxxxxoooo

[BlueBay]

Today a year ago I was in a mental health facility, and this is what happened:

This morning I get a phone call

from my mum who had the gall

to yell at me while I'm in bed

and this is what she said ....

"How dare you wait 30 years

to tell me of your fears

that you were abused

and I'm not amused"

So I get angry at her

and tell her it's not a blur

it's real and i am crying

and feel like i'm dying

Then she tells me ....

"you have betrayed the family"

and that's when I pressed end

and threw the phone on the ground

That day is so clear

the nurse said 'oh dear'

and gave a med

to help with my head

I will never forget that day

Boy it was so grey

One year on

and it's still not gone

God damn you my mum

why do you make me so numb

how could you yell at me

for all I wanted to be

This day is so hard

and I am so scarred

by what you said to me

just let it be

[Faith-and-Hope]

So, so good to see you writing out your pain in this wonderful poetry @BlueBay.  

It is so strong.  We can hear the joys and sorrows of your heart in your words.

Breathe now, and rest a bit .....

Leave some room for healing to wash back in and fill up some empty spaces in there.

You have time, and many more poems to write ......

Let them come to you, then rest a bit to restore yourself.

Hug your Jersey.  Animals have their healing touch too.

😘 ...........,,,,💜💙💜

[eth]

Thinking of you on this anniversary @BlueBay.  Sending you strength and peace.

[BlueBay]

@Faith-and-Hope I am trying to slow down, but the voices in my head and what my mum told me last year is coming back.  I don't know how to get rid of her voice, her image. its driving me crazy. and when i look at the mirror who do i see - her.  i know people say we look like our mums, but i don't want to. i hate her i don't want to be like her, or look like her.

now i am crying.

ok, i will keep writing.

why can't my mum just understand.

[BlueBay]

thank you so much @eth

i hate this time of year. it brings back lots of horrible memories. wish i was in hospital

[Faith-and-Hope]

@BlueBay

It sounds to me like you are nothing like your mother.  You wouldn't dream of doing to your children what she has done to you, and it is what is on the inside that counts.

Imagine a mirror looking at how you are on the inside @BlueBay.  What you would see in that mirror is what is coming out in your poetry - how much you love your children, how precious they are to you, your love of nature and the beauty of the bay, your wonderful little fur-baby Jersey, and how hurt and vulnerable to are feeling ....

I don't see any of your mother in that.

Keep writing @BlueBay.  At some point your anger and hurt will being to lessen, and you will start to feel sorry for her instead.

Breathe, write, rest, recover, walk the bay, love your family who love you back, love your Jersey, your blue holiday treasure.  Make the things you love count for more than the things that have hurt you.  Baby steps @BlueBay.  Baby steps, and you will get there.

❤️

[Silenus]

I wrote this poem just now...

Where did it come from? It's about my current journey of self evolution...

Blessings can be curses and with curses we are blessed...

The Watch

I am more than I was, but also somewhat less,

A product of this life, where even curse does bless;

The way I perceive reality is not much more than a guess,

And there's great power in that insight, I confess...

Power to turn lead to gold by the alchemy of my mind,

Sweeping out great changes to cut the ties that bind;

The deeper I go, the more wonder to wonder at I find,

With inner eye open, I observe it is better to see than be blind...

Power to perceive truth without judging it good or bad,

Not holding too tight, not letting go, not getting mad;

The Observer and the Observed, every experience I've had,

Observe without judging, not happy, not sad...

I am better than I was, but also somewhat worse,

A product of this life, where even blessings curse;

The way I perceive reality does much more than reimburse,

And there's great power in that insight to rehearse...

[BlueBay]

No @Faith-and-Hope I would never treat my kids like I do.  Never.  And if my daughter ever came to me with a problem I would never say 'go away' or abandon her or even the boys.

And i think this is why it is so damn hard to accept - how can my mum do this to me.  My mum - how and why?

i try to look at what kind of life she had, but i still feel so angry becasue of what she said to me.  i don't know if i can ever get over what she told me. and just her emotoinal and verbal abuse towards me.

i will keep writing poems, i am so much loving writingn poems; never thought that!!!!

thanks again @Faith-and-Hope.  By the way how are you going today, any plans for the day?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @BlueBay

I am glad you are a beautiful mother.  Congratulations on breaking that negative cycle down in your own lifetime @BlueBay.  That is some achievement, right there !!  You have changed the pattern for your own children to have a better life.

I am a church-goer @BlueBay, so that is usually my Sunday mornings, but there is time for a quick walk down to the river for a morning coffee when I feel motivated.  My household is so busy, I sort of have to get out and about to find some headspace, especially with my daughter having been at home on school days as much as she has, or going late and stressed.  It's part of my taking time out for me, and it's so important.

I think of you walking Jersey while I am walking along our river.  The dolphins are like big happy dogs with fins !  I have seen one swim really fast under the boats in a marina near here.  It made all the boats bump and rock against their moorings along the path he took 😊  I wonder how often he does that, and how much it upsets the boat-owners ........  I think it was a male, because he was on his own.  I think all the females stay with the pod.

Its overcast here this morning, and about 10 degrees, but no rain forecast, so I'm going to rug up and go.... have a virtual coffee with me, if you're not coffeed out this morning 🌷