I just need to get this out of my head …
I don’t know when I got so afraid of the world, so afraid of everything. I’ve never felt safe, but I wasn’t always this afraid.
I struggle so much to connect with people. It has always been a problem and I know why it has become harder for me trust in recent years. But even here online, I have no confidence to join in, and when I do, I hate myself for doing it. I feel worthless, like I have nothing of value to offer, like I am just getting in the way. I still try though; I try not to take the easy route and isolate (even though most of the time I feel like a creepy stalker, floating around, reading but rarely talking).
Then this morning there was a horrible post that triggered a major panic attack for me. I reported the post and it was deleted and dealt with—and I am very grateful to the moderators for that. But now I feel even less safe. Now I’m worried that this place I thought was relatively safe, really isn’t. I’m scared this person will come back with a new name and catch me unawares again. But mostly I feel so stupid for over-reacting—even though I know it was out of my control.
Sometimes I wish I could manage just a little self-compassion. Sometimes I wish I had one person in my life (who isn’t a cat) who could sit with me or give me a hug or say ‘hey, it’s okay’ (even if it isn’t).
… and I know it won’t help me sleep and I know I’ll beat myself up for posting it, but there it is, out of my head.
