Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tryingtostaystr]

Hi There

I haven't been on this forum for many years, which has been great for our family. My wife was diagnosed with bipolar 6 years ago and has been on medication since, then prior to this she was undiagnosed for at least 4 years earlier. We have been together for 20yrs and have 2 daughters who are 15 and 16. Over the last month she has been triggered and gets better than now in a very angry and irritable mood. We have found if we show love and compassion she gets better quicker and wont turn on myself as looking like a perpetrator. Our daughters are great too in caring for her and she is very protective of them to and she seems to listen to them more.

At present she is putting up very public defaming facebook posts of her family member and sending untrue and threatening messages to friends. I have contacted her case manager for advice and see what they say how to manage.

However, I have always protected my daughters from episodes but now that they are older, I find I need their support as they have the ability to calm her. Where is the line drawn, as should be telling them what is happening.

I understand relationship issues is not to be talked about with children, but I feel they are at age now that they need to be aware. Any advice would be helpful, so we can manage this as a family

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @Tryingtostaystr 

Welcome back to the forums.

It sounds like you are dealing with alot at the moment with your wife and family, but its good to see that you have reached out for support both here and with your wife's case manager.

From what you have said it seems that even if your daughters don't specifically know about their mother's diagnosis, they may have an inkling that something is not quite right with her and they give a bit more love/support/care to her?

I think that if you believe that they are mature enough to take on board what is going on with their mother that sharing with them is a good idea for you all - it will help your wife as it will help her mood when triggered, your daughters might feel more included and respected as young adults, and you will get more support with your wife's care so you are not taking on so much yourself.  If you don't think they are quite ready to know the deeper details you might be able to just share details about the triggers/anger you mentioned and explain how you need their help to calm their mother down when she experiences this?

Also, from what you have said I don't think this would be seen as a relationship issue, rather a mental health and well being issue that is being experienced by a beloved member of your family 💙

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[Tryingtostaystr]

Hi @SkySeeker22 

Thanks for your lovely comments and yes the girls are aware of the mother's diagnosis for along time and they are strong advocates of mental health and very caring for her, so you are right they are mature enough now. They can help with identifying triggers and providing the care/support otherwise as many of us know, on your own is very tough.

I am going to start organizing family therapy so we can work together as a team and redo the care plan as it doesn't seems to be working anymore.

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @Tryingtostaystr 🙂

Welcome back to our SANE forum space - we're happy you reached out to share with the community ❤️

It's lovely to read that you and your daughters are aware of how you can support your wife and that care and compassion are a great source of support for her! I can imagine you're a tight-knit family, working together to support one another.

On the other hand, I am sorry to hear that you have been dealing with the social media posts - it's great you have reached out to her case manager and I hope they are able to support her and provide some steps or solutions to in order to keep your wife and family safe.

To me, it sounds like you are your wife's main source of support, and carer, and I am curious if you have asked yourself the following questions:

What is important to share with my children? (Consider what impacts them, or the importance of sharing particular bits of info)

Why do I want to share this with them? (Is it for you, or for them? Do they have the capacity to learn more about what is going on - and is this just information sharing or coming with expectations to provide more care, etc.)

How would you like to share with your children - together, separately, as a family with consideration of your wife and being inclusive in the whole process? (This could look like talking together coming from both parents to children - as an idea!)

I hope these questions may be useful for some reflection, perhaps they may provide you with answers as to where the line is drawn, or what needs to be shared for family transparency.

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

P.S. Family therapy sounds like a fantastic idea! Just make sure everyone is on board so things can go smoothly and no one feels forced to be somewhere they don't want to be! Therapy only works if everyone's there to work together!

[Tryingtostaystr]

Thanks PizzaMondo, that is great advice, exactly right as my wife doesn't want the girls to see her out of normal behaviours, so I have to be careful what is shown and what they can see themselves.

Transparency is important, to a level that is not going to cause them anxiety too.

[PizzaMondo]

I'm glad I could be of support! 🙂
It's important to consider your wife at the end of the day as she is involved, and in order to manage as a family, it's important to work as a team.

You mentioned your wife does not want your daughters to see her out of normal behaviours - do they know about mum's diagnosis? I only ask because you stated you have to be careful what is shown and what they can see themselves, but because you are not the one portraying the out of normal behaviours - I'm curious what this looks like.

Yes, transparency is important, especially if your daughters are adults now, or have the ability and capacity to see and understand what is going on. I say this because I grew up in a household where one parent kept from me that the other had ill mental health, and it was very confusing to grow up thinking all their anger and shame was not only towards me, but about me, when that was absolutely not true - they just had personal struggles with depression and anxiety after a major operation. I wish my parents were more transparent in sharing what was going on with their health as it was not only visible but impacted the family unit and drew a wedge between us as no one had words or an understanding of what was going on.

Let me know where your thoughts are at.

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

P.S. For future reference, so I can see when you respond to me - make sure you add @ at the front of my name or whoever you are responding to, so we can be notified! Like this = @Tryingtostaystr